I went to see the doctor last week, he gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
Today the judge gave me 20 years, problem solved.
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My doctor told me today I need to watch my drinking. I now drink in front of a mirror.
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I decided to burn a lot of calories today... so I set fire to a fat kid that lives on my street.
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I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym,
“Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies?” He smiles says “Try the ATM in the lobby”.
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Why is it that good people are always the ones who get screwed over? The other day I gave my seat
to an old lady on the bus and then I got fired from my job as a bus driver.
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I asked my welsh partner how many sexual partners they had, they started counting but then they fell asleep.
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I heard masturbation cures the common cold, which is lucky as I'm out of tissues.
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Diet day 1: Just removed all the fattening food from my house, it was delicious.
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I can't believe how desperate my Maths teacher is, he keeps asking me to find his 'x'.
I think it's time he faced the truth, she's not coming back.
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A children's Charity knocked on my door earlier today asking for a donation to help them
build a swimming pool, so I gave them a bucket of water.
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A funeral was held today for the inventor of air conditioning. Thousands of fans attended.
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Life is like a box of chocolate. If you're fat it doesn't last very long.
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I remember in the old days when instead of selfie sticks people used to have things called friends.
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I remember in the old days when people used to get mad if you read their diary. Now people
put everything online and get mad when you don't read it.
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If I'm ever on life support, unplug me then plug me back in. That usually works.
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Whatever you do always give 100%, unless you're donating blood.
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Just been fired from my new job at the bank. An old lady asked me to check her balance so
I jumped on her back.
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I'm fed up of people calling me a dealer. Weed is a plant so technically I'm a florist.
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I went to the doctor today to get a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine I don't need one.
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People who say they've lost their voice are lying.
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ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
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My doctor has advised me to start running. I'm not ill or anything, I've just been sleeping
with his wife.
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The worst part about getting fired from my job at the unemployment office was that I still
had to show up the next day.
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I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10 am. I'm not a mourning person.
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My psychologist told me not to keep things bottled up, so I went home and drank all my wine.
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